E223 Mastering Self Control by Allowing with Reshanda Yates

Instead of forcing or controlling every aspect of a situation today we have Reshanda Yates on to discuss the art of allowing.


Sometimes through being okay with letting situations play out without overbearing intervention we can end up having better outcomes.

If you feel like perfectionism may be holding you back, then take a listen to this weeks epsiode, because you will definitely find quite a few gems in here!

Connect with Reshanda at: https://reshandayates.com/ and on Instagram and Facebook.

Transcript

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Jason Mefford: Alright well i’m excited for today’s episode because i’ve got my friend rich shonda Yates, with me and.

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Jason Mefford: This episode might go a little bit different you know, a we always never know quite where we’re going right but, but today we want to talk a little bit too about mastering self control.

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Jason Mefford: And about the whole idea that a lot of times we’re trying to control and we’re trying to force certain things to happen.

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Jason Mefford: But really we’re usually much better served instead of trying to force or control something, but to just allow.

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Jason Mefford: And I know it might seem a little counter intuitive so whatever you do listen to this entire episode because you’re going to figure out a big key.

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Jason Mefford: That will be able to move you forward in the progress that you’re trying to make and whatever it is that you may be doing so with that let’s roll out episode.

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Jason Mefford: All right, we’re shonda will welcome I always love your smile you just make me happy.

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Reshanda Yates: Thank you so much, and i’m so glad to be here, thank you for having me.

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Jason Mefford: Well, no it’s it’s like I said there’s just certain people that when you see him It makes you happy you’re one of those people for me so i’m honored to actually have you here.

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Jason Mefford: Because you know you do some some really good work and and I want to you know talked about you know a little bit about kind of some self control and.

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Jason Mefford: Issues so maybe.

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Jason Mefford: Just just give people kind of a quick background on kind of how you help people.

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Jason Mefford: And then we’re going to tie this in because what we’re going to be talking about today folks is relevant for each and every one of you, we may be using some different examples, but the principles and the tools and things that we’re going to talk about are relevant for you right so.

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Reshanda Yates: that’s Thank you.

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Jason Mefford: that’s your that’s your that’s your character let’s go.

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Reshanda Yates: The first thing I want to say is there was a total universe moment right off the BAT and.

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Reshanda Yates: You said that you know, I was one of those kinds of people who who makes who makes other people happy and.

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Reshanda Yates: I have to share this.

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Reshanda Yates: That not two hours ago I had this idea and It made me go and look at a journal from 1996.

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Reshanda Yates: And I read a line and that, so I was in I think six or seventh grade at that time, and one of the lines that I read out of my journal from 1996 was I always wanted to be the kind of person that could make others happy.

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Reshanda Yates: i’m about to cry right now i’m.

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Reshanda Yates: So.

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Reshanda Yates: My backstory yeah I definitely was the person who.

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Reshanda Yates: wanted to control everything.

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Reshanda Yates: I wanted to I was a classic textbook perfectionist.

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Reshanda Yates: um I had no idea that this was a thing until I went on a whole journey which will probably get into today but there’s something called event image managing.

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Reshanda Yates: And it’s something that particularly.

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Reshanda Yates: You know people who, if you, you know people who struggle with like addictive behaviors or substance addiction, or whatever it is, you know.

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Reshanda Yates: um, this is a common thing that you’ll find is this image managing and it was something that I did.

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Reshanda Yates: automatically, without realizing I was doing it, and the whole point of it was to control your perception of me to be able to know that.

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Reshanda Yates: What you were seeing was whatever image, I thought you wanted to see you know and who knows what that even is but that’s what it really all came down to for me, and so this would show up in my life i’m in a few specific ways.

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Reshanda Yates: One of them was i’m controlling my body, and so you know, I was desperate to make my body look a certain way, thinking that if I looked a certain way, then I would be you know valued.

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Reshanda Yates: Another way was you know and it kind of goes hand in hand with that was my food, so I you know I became extremely controlling about my diet about what I ate, and so this resulted in yo yo dieting and resulted in binge eating.

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Reshanda Yates: It resulted in a lack of presence in my life, because I was so preoccupied and consumed mentally with a cognitive load of trying to keep track of every single bite that I ate.

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Reshanda Yates: Or how every single bite might be affecting my body or even you know how do I look from this angle yeah sitting down, and I mean it really is really wild when you really go into all the minute detail of like how much I was trying to manage in my mind.

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Reshanda Yates: And then you know we briefly chatted before coming on by you know manifest in other ways too in terms of like my sexual relationships in terms of money, so it was something that more and more i’m seeing.

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Reshanda Yates: That you know this idea of the way we do one thing as the way we do everything and so beginning to.

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Reshanda Yates: dive into unraveling all those layers of control.

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Reshanda Yates: and embracing surrender has been one of the things that’s like the work of my life honestly is really surrendering and letting go.

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Jason Mefford: But I think it’s you know.

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Jason Mefford: i’m one of those perfectionist to i’m sure that most everybody who’s listening as well right this whole idea of image managing.

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Jason Mefford: right that would that we’re that we’re all kind of going through that and we kind of you know, white knuckle.

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Jason Mefford: Things because we’re trying to just you know, please, if I look a certain way, then somebody’s going to love me if I if I show up a certain way at work, then i’m going to get the promotion, if I you know.

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Jason Mefford: on and on and on and on, thinking that we can actually control those things right, but I kind of got a sense, as you were talking and I could I could feel it a little bit right that, as you were.

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Jason Mefford: going through and trying to do all that stuff like you said cognitively that just had to be exhausting to go through that right.

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Reshanda Yates: 100% I mean it was so exhausting not only trying to just keep track of all the things that made up my contrived image, if you will.

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Reshanda Yates: But also dealing with the fact that no matter what I did someone was always going to be disappointed in me and something that I did.

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Reshanda Yates: Like I could never get to that perfect approval that I was always seeking, and so it was always just out of reach, which meant that I felt like I had to work harder.

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Reshanda Yates: And this also lead to been meaning trying to control other people as well, so not only am I trying to manage my my self image, but i’m also trying to manage other people’s perceptions of me.

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Reshanda Yates: And so that’s a whole other ball of wax and So yes, you know, it was very exhausting and it didn’t work.

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Reshanda Yates: But it simply it just didn’t work.

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Jason Mefford: On I think I think it’s funny because you know again we’re going to use some different examples as we’re talking about the body image.

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Jason Mefford: I think it’s a great one right because again whether whether you’re you know male female doesn’t matter old young.

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Jason Mefford: We all kind of have different body image issues right, I mean i’ve i’ve yo yos as well i’ve done good i’ve been you know trim and fit and healthy and i’ve been.

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Jason Mefford: You know, technically considered obese, based on the BMI right and i’ve kind of gone back and forth at different points in my life, but I think it’s.

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Jason Mefford: You know it’s funny that you that you brought up about that too right because sometimes we’re worried about Oh well, if I weigh a certain.

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Jason Mefford: You know if I weigh a certain amount if I look a certain way right and again we’ll just throw stuff out there right everybody who has you know straight hair wants curly hair and everybody that has curly hair straight hair right.

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Jason Mefford: Or, or you know, like it’s like sometimes well if i’m thin enough and I look like the models in the magazine.

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Jason Mefford: Then everybody’s gonna love me, but then there’s the same person who’s like no I like a curvy woman right so so there’s there’s you can’t please everybody.

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Jason Mefford: So if you can’t please everybody, what are we supposed to do and I think this is kind of what you’re helping people do right is what what what do we do if we know that, whatever we do, we can’t please everybody and we can’t really control it anyway what’s our best course of action yeah.

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Reshanda Yates: that’s really the question you know, because at the end of the day.

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Reshanda Yates: You can’t and you know when I was trying to contort myself into what I thought.

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Reshanda Yates: would please other people it just left me feeling frustrated resentful depressed you know I really went through this deep depression and i’m grateful for it because it was because of that that I was led to start um you know seeking healing you know and.

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Reshanda Yates: I think.

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Reshanda Yates: This is as elite provided people to make.

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Reshanda Yates: Because you hear it all the time, you know you hear people say.

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Reshanda Yates: Oh, you know just love yourself.

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Reshanda Yates: And it feels like such this elusive vague a morpheus concept.

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Reshanda Yates: i’m in so but in 2015 specifically I had kind of reached the end of my rope in terms of trying to fix you know quote unquote fix my body.

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Reshanda Yates: And I had.

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Reshanda Yates: been up and down to my weight, I have been dieting you know, trying to achieve this idea, this what I thought was perfection.

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Reshanda Yates: And then I reached the end of my rope I just was like you know what I just can’t do this anymore i’m miserable what’s the point and so just out of desperation.

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Reshanda Yates: that moment, I chose to pursue being happy, instead, and I was like you know what what ever happens with my with my body with my weight I don’t care if i’m not happy.

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Reshanda Yates: And so I just made that choice, and it was totally a hail Mary you know that, especially from football is like I had no idea that that was going to be.

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Reshanda Yates: The best thing I could have done, and so I stopped dieting and I started to.

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Reshanda Yates: do exactly that, like just come from this perspective of if I were happy, what would my relationship with food look like.

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Reshanda Yates: And so that led over the years to more and more questions that are similar to this like what would my relationship with my body look like, if I were happy.

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Reshanda Yates: You know what would my relationship with my husband look like, if I weren’t happy like if I was coming from that perspective, and that was really what I deeply run it at the end of the day, why not just start there, and so that led you on this whole path.

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Reshanda Yates: That I never imagined honestly it, you know they never could have dreamed of.

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Jason Mefford: And I think it’s it’s ironic right because, like you said, and so again everybody that’s listening, please get this Okay, is exactly what we’re saying is talking about is.

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Jason Mefford: The strategy that works right unfortunately what we all think is when I weigh a certain amount, when I look a certain way when I get a certain job when I have a certain level of money then i’m going to be happy right and that ain’t the way it is right, I mean because.

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Jason Mefford: We won’t be happy at that point, we have to switch it around right and just be happy and be who we are, then the other things tend to kind of take care of themselves.

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Jason Mefford: But it’s but it’s opposite to what most people think right they think when I lose the 20 pounds then i’m going to be happy.

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Jason Mefford: But I promise you, you ain’t gonna be happy when you lose 20 pounds if you can’t be happy now you’re not going to be happy that right.

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Jason Mefford: And so what you did like you said was kind of a complete shift, and it goes it goes against what everybody says right, I mean how many.

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Jason Mefford: weight loss people body image, people are telling you right you’ve got a diet you’ve got to control everything you’ve got to track everything that you do right and, in doing that doesn’t work for most people they they they hold the weight they yo yo.

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Jason Mefford: They might lose but yeah it comes right back.

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Reshanda Yates: So, so how does.

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Jason Mefford: You know the being happy instead right what what does that mean because, like you said, I know that a lot of times and I, and I try to tell people that I get the eyes rolling like what the hell, does it mean you know kind of a thing.

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Jason Mefford: right but.

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Jason Mefford: What does it mean to be happy, or to love ourselves what are some things that that we can do, because I know you help people do that is to just be comfortable with who we are and happy with where where we’re at right.

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Reshanda Yates: yeah so you know, one of the things that you highlighted, from the beginning was this idea of like mastering self control.

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Reshanda Yates: And I talked about this, because so many people come to me who think that they need more discipline.

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Reshanda Yates: You know, they need more willpower They beat themselves up because the changes that they’ve been implementing aren’t happening fast enough or maybe they had you know, a slip up or whatever it is.

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Reshanda Yates: And so, then they tried to like quote unquote buckle down, and this is what I used to do you know I used to think Oh well, i’m just gonna go all in i’m gonna go hard i’m going to be super super you know committed.

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Reshanda Yates: Back then, I didn’t understand what even commitment actually meant but, and I really it was really all around this idea, you know I said before, around white knuckling.

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Reshanda Yates: Mike I was going to somehow just really you know put all my effort into it, and that was going to get me to do the things that I thought would lead me to you know being happy lose the weight.

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Reshanda Yates: You know, be.

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Reshanda Yates: What I thought was like socially acceptably attractive and.

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Reshanda Yates: What I found was again that really the key came in really letting go.

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Reshanda Yates: So when when I talk about letting go it’s going to it’s going to look different for for different people.

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Reshanda Yates: But in my life when I.

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Reshanda Yates: For example, let go of control of my food.

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Reshanda Yates: So and it’s totally counterintuitive but I stopped tracking my food.

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Reshanda Yates: And I I just kind of set this intention that you know what my food will take care of itself, you know my body will tell me when to stop eating and I trusted that and then I just ate.

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Reshanda Yates: Like I would just eat and I didn’t do I didn’t have any I like oh all the rules that I had you know, some people might be able to relate to this of having.

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Reshanda Yates: All of these different rules about you know what eating should look like and what is healthy or not healthy and a lot of times we get into this this i’m good or bad like that’s a good food that’s a badge.

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Reshanda Yates: And we’re getting into this like black black and white all or nothing thinking about food, and so, and then we try to control every single aspect of eating.

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Reshanda Yates: And what I found was when I actually let go of all of that, when I said that I was going to look up all the rules like i’m not going to have this full of like you shouldn’t be.

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Reshanda Yates: Like, for example, eating in front of the TV or you shouldn’t eat Chinese takeout or you know oh it’s bad if you eat a piece of chocolate, or whatever it is, I let go of all that.

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Reshanda Yates: And I again I set that intention that you know what my body will tell me when enough is enough and I just stopped thinking about it.

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Reshanda Yates: And i’ll never forget.

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Reshanda Yates: One day, I decided, I wanted a donut from this like form a bakery and it was like not a normal size donut but they make these huge donuts you know that are like filled with stuff and.

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Reshanda Yates: Have decorations and topics and everything is on what excuse me, and I got this down that.

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Reshanda Yates: And I was like sitting in front of my computer, so I was breaking all the rules like you know people will tell you like don’t eat while you’re distracted and you know this and that, and all this stuff.

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Reshanda Yates: So I was breaking those rules because I had no rules, and I was sitting in my computer typing and working and I had this down I and.

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Reshanda Yates: After a while.

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Reshanda Yates: I looked up and I realized that my donut had been pushed to the side.

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Reshanda Yates: Like I had taken a bite or two of it and I had pushed to the side I had stopped eating it without trying.

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Reshanda Yates: Now, the thing to like I didn’t haven’t really gone into this, but I came from a background of extreme binge eating like I could eat an entire pizza and then some by myself.

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Reshanda Yates: And i’ve done that you know, and I could put away a lot of food, a lot of calories and I would have this feeling of just being completely out of control, like.

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Reshanda Yates: Once I started I couldn’t stop eating and like I wouldn’t know, I was full and I would be stuffed but yet, I would just feel this urge just keep eating and eating and eating.

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Reshanda Yates: And to go from that to just.

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Reshanda Yates: waking like waking up out of basically you know my.

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Reshanda Yates: I don’t know what to call it, but basically just realizing that Oh, you know I just managed my food, but I didn’t have without managing it, you know and so.

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Reshanda Yates: When that moment happened that’s the moment that I I recognize that I was free and that word free means a lot to me, because it is one of my highest values freedom.

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Mine tonight.

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Reshanda Yates: And I didn’t recognize back then, how much food was actually controlling like I might have said that I might have told you that food was controlling my life.

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Reshanda Yates: But then, on the other hand, I would rebel I will feel like I was rebelling against myself, so if I said, you know i’m going to use the restraint and i’m.

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Reshanda Yates: going to eat this meal i’m not going to go beyond that it was like something in the back of my mind will go how show you and i’m going to go and eat whatever I want you know.

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Reshanda Yates: um and I had this huge Aha moment, one day, when I was like wait a minute, you know.

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Reshanda Yates: What you want, in your life, you know that you want to be healthy and well you know you want to go and impact people so who’s really in control, right now, you know and so that’s to bring it back down to just concrete things it’s like let go of that control.

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Reshanda Yates: see what happens.

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Jason Mefford: When I think I think your doughnut story is great too right because.

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Jason Mefford: What what’s interesting again right is that we have this illusion of control.

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Jason Mefford: My body is going to do whatever it’s going to do, I I my my conscious mind my conscious mind.

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Jason Mefford: can’t get it to do anything right it’s it’s gonna just do what it’s going to do now subconsciously some other stuff you know we can.

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Jason Mefford: With mind body integration there’s some stuff that we can do as well right but it’s it’s funny like you said, I mean that subconsciously.

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Jason Mefford: Your body knew and it distanced the donut from you, you have the couple of bites, but that was really all that you needed or that your body needed or wanted right.

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Jason Mefford: And then your body was just able to process and move it away so you know what’s what’s because what’s funny is.

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Jason Mefford: You know so many people try to strictly control what they put in their body which is fine right because I mean we should be feeding our at least the best that we know, but the amazing thing is our body just does what it does.

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Jason Mefford: without having to think about it right so so you know, one of the kind of mantras that I say to myself is.

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Jason Mefford: My body uses what it needs and flushes the rest, you know in that whatever I happened to put into my body, it knows what to do with it right it’s not like I can sit here and consciously go oh I just drink a can of coke so all right body, I want you to.

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Jason Mefford: process that Carmel color this way and take care of the high fructose corn syrup this way.

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Jason Mefford: It just knows what it’s going to do right and it knows where, to put it, and what to do.

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Jason Mefford: it’s nothing that we can control, and so, so what I think is interesting and i’ve heard this not from you, but from other people as well, is that when we focus more on that image and identity and the subconscious work and the happiness and loving ourself.

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Jason Mefford: Our body takes care of what it needs to read almost regardless of what we eat, I mean how many how many people, you know, do we know that totally live like completely opposite of what you’re supposed to write it George burns jumps to mind right, you know.

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Jason Mefford: The man lived almost be 100.

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Jason Mefford: hundred years old smoke cigars like nobody’s business right well he’s not supposed to live that long because he was a smoker right or you know, one of the old guys, who was.

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Jason Mefford: Probably like this 97 year old man that would walk in our neighborhood when I was growing up every morning that man had you know.

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Jason Mefford: bacon and eggs, and all this stuff that you know that you say you’re not supposed to have oh you’ll die of a heart attack or whatever, but every was you know going on long walks every single day and so.

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Jason Mefford: it’s not so much about controlling what we put into our body as much as it’s.

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Jason Mefford: Controlling our identity and the state of mind that we’re into seems like.

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Reshanda Yates: that’s what I found to be true in my own life.

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Reshanda Yates: And I also.

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Reshanda Yates: know another example that came to mind I remember on the news when I was little.

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Reshanda Yates: The oldest woman, I don’t know was in the world, or was like in the United States.

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Reshanda Yates: was on the news they interviewed her and she had lived past beyond the hundred and I can’t remember how old she was by they asked her like Okay, so you know what’s your diet like what do you eat it, she was like mcdonald’s.

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Jason Mefford: Three times a day right yeah.

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Reshanda Yates: never got that from but you know another thing that sparked as we’re talking.

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Reshanda Yates: Now coming back to this idea of like your body is going to do what your body’s going to do.

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Reshanda Yates: And so it’s really you know more of you know what is that image of ourselves that we hold you know.

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Reshanda Yates: On our awareness and another thing that I that I think really ties into this is like that going back to that self love peace, you know, sometimes we neglect.

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Reshanda Yates: The need for pleasure, the need for fun, the need for enjoyment, you know.

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Reshanda Yates: And so.

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Reshanda Yates: This is something that i’ve really incorporated into my own personal values when when i’m eating because.

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Reshanda Yates: You know, maybe my body didn’t need a few bites of a donor.

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Reshanda Yates: But it isn’t it okay to give myself, like the pleasure of eating a few bites of it down that you know and so mastery of self control not only allows you to you know i’m not go overboard but it allows you to indulge without guilt.

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Reshanda Yates: To be able to have that enjoyment and like so much of my my own personal journey has been about allowing myself to enjoy things to enjoy pleasure like to know that, yes, it’s okay to feel good.

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Jason Mefford: Well it’s funny because as you’re saying that you know.

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Jason Mefford: I know a lot of times when when people hear the love yourself be happy it’s like what does that mean right, but again so let’s let’s take that example right it’s.

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Jason Mefford: Like you know if you’re so strict with yourself and you never allow yourself to have fun you never allow yourself to have a donut.

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Jason Mefford: you’ve got all these rules and boundaries, and you know you’re hard on yourself, is that really showing yourself.

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Jason Mefford: Love right so again if if if it was somebody else you know if it’s a loved one a child, an animal if you were acting the same way towards that other human or animal.

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Jason Mefford: Would that be showing love right so so again we’ll just take a dog right it’s like if you put your dog a strict regimen it’s like no.

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Jason Mefford: You can only have you know, half a cup of dry food at this time and then you can have you know Baba Baba by you’re only allowed to drink, you know this much water each day.

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Jason Mefford: And if you go over there, and you look like you’re you know you’re wanting to do something else i’m going to reach over and i’m going to smack yeah or whatever it is right.

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Jason Mefford: If we’re trying to control, animals or humans in the same way that we tend to want to control ourselves, are we really loving herself.

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Jason Mefford: isn’t it more love to allow yourself to have a couple of bites a donut and then you said to decide right, but you get that pleasure, you have the fine or you know you do some of that other stuff that’s more actually showing love than by what the right word is by depriving.

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Jason Mefford: us right would you deprive someone that you love of something that made them happy.

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Jason Mefford: But yeah we would do it to herself.

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Reshanda Yates: And so interesting and it’s you know, the first thing that.

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Reshanda Yates: People want the women that I work with they tend to be people who binge eat company and it tends to feel like it’s this.

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Reshanda Yates: Almost out of control habitual compulsion and so the thing that pops up in my mind as of channeling them.

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Reshanda Yates: Is Oh, but if I allow myself to have some i’m just gonna you know, is it loving to just like the eat this stuff and i’m going to go crazy i’m going to go out of control, you don’t lose control.

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Reshanda Yates: that’s coming back to the surrender.

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Reshanda Yates: And it’s not it doesn’t feel comfortable efforts, and I think that’s The thing that people get into resistance.

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Reshanda Yates: and

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Reshanda Yates: The thing is, like the old adage if what you resist persists right, the more you try to claim to back control.

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Reshanda Yates: The more out of control you’re going to feel.

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Reshanda Yates: And so you know I recognize that it is a leap of faith Okay, so I don’t want to.

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Reshanda Yates: downplay that because I recognize that you know for people who have field, especially when you have restricted for some personal long and deprived yourself denied yourself.

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Reshanda Yates: When you’ve done that, for so long, you, you lose trust in yourself.

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Reshanda Yates: And so it is, it is about taking that leap of faith and it’s a choice to choose to trust yourself trust your body.

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Reshanda Yates: and

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Reshanda Yates: To go ahead and let go of that really what I found in my own life was that it was like this.

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Reshanda Yates: Almost this addiction to control itself.

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Reshanda Yates: And so I had to like recognize that and let that go.

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Reshanda Yates: And like we were talking about it was in so many areas of my life.

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Jason Mefford: Because it was showing up in other areas right, you were trying to control yourself, which meant you I think you mentioned also you were trying to control others or other situations as well to write.

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Jason Mefford: it ends up starting to show up in some of these other places as well, and I think it’s, you know as you were talking there about trust it’s you know, in order to.

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Jason Mefford: Be in a loving relationship, there has to be trust as well right so yeah if we’re not trusting ourselves then we’re not really loving ourselves as well right and yeah maybe there’s stories that have to be.

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Jason Mefford: reprogrammed right like one that my dad had and again okay my dad was a depression era baby okay so growing up in the depression obviously had some different stories and I did, but we used to have the clean plate club.

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Jason Mefford: In our House right, so he would.

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Jason Mefford: If it was put on your play you had to eat everything, and you, and he would like scrape the plate and get every little bit of food off of it right.

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Jason Mefford: And it’s it’s you know when you when you grow up or you you you feel like that, sometimes, maybe there are some stories of have to be you know it’s perfectly fine for me to leave, in fact.

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Jason Mefford: at certain points in my life I would on purpose leave a certain amount on my plate right as a way to trust me and to know that I don’t have to finish everything.

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Jason Mefford: On it’s okay to leave.

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Jason Mefford: A little bit there right that that trusting like like you did with the donut right you.

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Jason Mefford: You were trusting yourself, you subconsciously push that away from premier yourself, because you didn’t have to eat the whole thing.

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Jason Mefford: You know, and I know you know binge eating and that gets to some other addictive behavior and other things as well right that that we’re usually trying to.

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Jason Mefford: numb ourselves or some other deeper thing usually behind that as well, but I think it’s still kind of gets back to trust to that right, I mean.

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Reshanda Yates: yeah I mean like you know we were talking about before we came on about how it really is all the same deeper underlying issue so whether that’s you know binge eating whether it’s.

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Reshanda Yates: Being addicted to scrolling on your phone you know or just kind of like zoning out in front of netflix all day or whatever it is um.

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Reshanda Yates: You know, when we kind of start peeling back those layers and get to the bottom of things.

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Reshanda Yates: Most of us will just find Oh, you know it’s that I really don’t think i’m worthy of feeling good in my life, you know I don’t trust myself to really.

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Reshanda Yates: go out and create whatever it is that I want to create in my life, whether that’s a better relationship or you know better finances or start a business or whatever.

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Reshanda Yates: and

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Reshanda Yates: i’m with my own life, you know and i’m still learning this lesson, you know, so I want to make that clear it’s like self trust.

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Reshanda Yates: Is it’s another it’s a major piece of my life journey, because I always wanted to look outside of myself for everything you know approval love.

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Reshanda Yates: To for someone else to you know tell me that i’m worthy that i’m valuable that I can do something, you know pat on the back, whatever it is, I was always looking outside of myself only to figure out that, like the only person who I can really rely on to give myself that is me.

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Reshanda Yates: And so you know i’m still doing my work of rewriting the stories thinking that you know I need like some authority.

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Reshanda Yates: You know, to tell me that, yes, you’re on the right track or you’re doing a good job.

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Reshanda Yates: So, but the more that I do that the more that I seek that internal.

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Reshanda Yates: validation.

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Reshanda Yates: The freer and freer and freer and freer I am.

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Reshanda Yates: Oh that’s going to add that to myself actually.

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Reshanda Yates: But um.

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Reshanda Yates: The other thing is, you know you talked about reprogramming and so you know, this is something that this was kind of like the last.

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Reshanda Yates: piece of the puzzle that I found for myself that I have that I didn’t even realize that this is what I had done.

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Reshanda Yates: But since learning more about exactly what this is like being able to actually go into the sort of program of your operating system and.

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Reshanda Yates: reprogram your self image reprogram your identity and basically line yourself up to do the things automatically that lead you to where you want to be in your life mmm that is that’s a huge huge piece that I think so many people are missing.

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Reshanda Yates: But it really is a force magnifier is that thing that one too.

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Reshanda Yates: Once you commit to loving yourself and then you get the tools to reprogram your subconscious mind they’re all over the place, like you can find hypnosis tools like they’re out there you just got to go look for them.

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Reshanda Yates: But when you put those two things in place look out because it’s just unbelievable um how different your life can look in such a short time.

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Reshanda Yates: And that was really that last piece of the puzzle, for me, is really being able to harness that, because the fact is we’re all being programmed all day every day.

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Reshanda Yates: But being able to actually harness that was something that allowed me to actually be intentional about change not controlling but intentional about it so that was.

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Reshanda Yates: A huge piece, I wanted to highlight too.

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Jason Mefford: Well, and that’s there’s there’s so much power in that word intention right and like you said intention, instead of you know, control and manipulation and whatever else it might be right.

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Jason Mefford: Is is and that’s that’s really where it comes from, because so many of us are looking you know why are we trying to control everything because we’re concerned about what people.

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Jason Mefford: External to us think about us right but, at the end of the day, who gives a shit it doesn’t really matter what they think about us what’s much more important as what we think about ourselves.

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Jason Mefford: And you know we’ve seen this you’ve seen it i’ve seen it in in lots of different places, it can be weight it can be career, it can be love romantic relationships everything else right.

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Jason Mefford: And, and you know put two of them together right that so many people think well when I when I lose this amount of weight and I look this certain way, then someone will love me.

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Jason Mefford: Broken model doesn’t happen right because you know she’d look a whole lot prettier she’d actually smile, that was a line from a song.

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Jason Mefford: It just popped into my head right is that is that sometimes you know I I don’t care what people look like externally I care.

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Jason Mefford: Who, they are right and so regardless of who you happen to be what you look like right that’s what makes you attractive.

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Jason Mefford: Not your body at the end of the day, right, and so, but, but how many people, and especially romantic relationships, if I look a certain way, then people will love me then i’ll find a partner.

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Jason Mefford: Right, as opposed to know love yourself for who you are and realize that there’s a partner that is exactly perfect for exactly who you are exactly the way you are right and focus more on being.

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Jason Mefford: You know the best partner, you can be, and then they show up and and I went through that after my after my divorce, you know, was that same thing, like oh nobody’s ever gonna lose movie right and.

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Jason Mefford: Oh, I don’t fit this or I don’t fit that and, finally, you know, again, it was the reminder of stop trying to find the perfect person focus on being the perfect person and then.

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Jason Mefford: Right people get attracted into your life.

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Reshanda Yates: yeah and I think another.

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Reshanda Yates: thing that people will can think about this is what helped me is to stop asking like, how can I get more love and ask like how willing, am I to receive love.

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Reshanda Yates: because for me that’s really That was a That was what it came down to was that I didn’t feel worthy and it goes back to what you were saying you know I didn’t feel worthy of receiving on and so that’s when I got into a lot of self sabotage and my relationships.

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Reshanda Yates: You know, and I sabotage my my eating, you know, would do well for a couple of weeks, and then I would just go crazy over the weekend, or something like that, so when I started to ask myself, like how available, am I to receive love how available, am I to receive good to come into my life.

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Reshanda Yates: It really shifted things because.

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Reshanda Yates: I started to realize like how much good was already present in my life.

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Reshanda Yates: I started to realize like oh my God like I am so lucky I have so much love in my life I started to.

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Reshanda Yates: To take it in you know, to let myself be loved.

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Reshanda Yates: And there’s something so vulnerable about letting yourself really be loved and I feel like that’s what really draws people to lies is like when we really.

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Reshanda Yates: get into that vulnerable state.

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Reshanda Yates: that’s when people can really see us and you know, of course, it feels uncomfortable.

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Reshanda Yates: But it’s so attractive, you know it’s so gorgeous it’s the word that’s coming to my mind.

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Jason Mefford: yeah Well, no, and I, you know we belong to some of the same coaching groups and stuff and it’s.

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Jason Mefford: it’s funny I almost exactly word for word, for what you said right is there is there’ll be a guy that shows up he’s doing a video he starts bawling right and again from a guy’s perspective it’s like you know that makes us look weak right and all the women are like man that is sexy.

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Jason Mefford: thing right it’s like.

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Jason Mefford: The more vulnerable and real and authentic that we are that’s what makes us attractive.

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Jason Mefford: Right.

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Jason Mefford: At the end of the day, and the more that we trust ourselves.

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Jason Mefford: The more that we love ourself and that point that you brought up about receiving.

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Jason Mefford: Right so again, a lot of you that are listening, you might be thinking I don’t have a problem with self love I love myself right well you know just here’s a here’s a couple of takeaways right is the next time somebody compliments you.

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Jason Mefford: How do you feel about, that is your first reaction of oh no, no, no, no, no, I don’t really deserve that blah blah blah blah blah right because most of the time, people are uncomfortable receiving a compliment.

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Jason Mefford: Well, if you’re uncomfortable receiving a compliment then you’re not allowing yourself to receive.

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Jason Mefford: That love and so you’re repelling you’re pushing stuff away right, so how easy, are you actually at receiving right when you make a mistake.

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Jason Mefford: How do you talk to yourself in your head right are you over there with the whip with being yourself like.

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Jason Mefford: You know, you know you know better, you should have done better Jason is a bad boy right, those are, I still have those thoughts in my mind i’m still trying to kick it out right, but when I do something.

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Jason Mefford: Often, I revert back to that little boy like oh no Jason was a very bad boy, he did something very wrong right.

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Jason Mefford: So if we’re having those feelings How much are we really loving herself and the problem is trying to control ourselves to put on a certain image to the outside world is not who we are.

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Jason Mefford: And it’s ultimately I mean like you said you know, once we can learn to be happy and love ourselves for who we are done a lot of the other things kind of take care of themselves don’t they.

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Reshanda Yates: So loosely they do yeah you can just allow yourself to let go of that control and I love the example that you shared is such a perfect example, such as a simple way of practicing loving yourself and allowing yourself and allowing yourself to receive good you know.

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Reshanda Yates: And then another thing.

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Reshanda Yates: That is so simple uncomfortable but anyone can do it it’s just like look in the mirror and tell yourself I love you.

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Reshanda Yates: You know, and just notice how that feels and there’s going to probably if you’re not used to it there’s probably going to be discomfort and just allow yourself to be comfortable with that you know just acknowledge it and let it in and.

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Reshanda Yates: One of the.

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Reshanda Yates: Steps of a process that I share with people is this allowing step, and the reason I have allowing.

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Reshanda Yates: Is because we, we tend to resist and we tend to make ourselves wrong about things so oh i’m uncomfortable oh man that must mean I don’t love myself that’s bad you know I should know better, by now, or whatever it is, and.

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Reshanda Yates: You know what, if you could just allow that to be that feeling of discomfort What if you just allow it, so you can think of, like a wave in the ocean like part of the human experience we have all these emotions, you know.

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Reshanda Yates: And it’s like just this one wave in the ocean it’s going to come up it’s going to come to a CREST and as coin to recede that’s what leads to.

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Reshanda Yates: And so, allowing is all about you recognize that, yes, i’m uncomfortable.

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Reshanda Yates: And you might even recognize what the Buddhists call the second arrow which is you know, the first arrow gets you, but now you beat yourself up.

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Jason Mefford: About that one hurts you more than the first one.

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Reshanda Yates: I lost yeah.

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Jason Mefford: yeah on a second, the second arrow ends up hurting you probably more than the first one did.

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Reshanda Yates: Oh absolutely that’s the ironic thing about it and so just really allowing yourself to.

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Reshanda Yates: to let it be there just let just make space for it and just let it be.

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Reshanda Yates: And then I feel like I should just finish out the last two steps after that so after noticing it ask yourself this question ask yourself what am I, believing right now.

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Reshanda Yates: And so, you know that could be a belief that.

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Reshanda Yates: You know you’re wrong or you’re bad or you’re not worthy whatever that belief is let that surface and then the last step is about nurturing yourself and this comes back to self love like you are the one giving yourself what you need and I like to place my hand over my heart.

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Reshanda Yates: And I asked myself what I need an answer, and this is really key I answer from the wisest part of myself like who is like.

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Reshanda Yates: Maybe maybe I project out into the future, and I say okay if i’m 100 years old and i’ve lived my life and I, you know i’ve lived a wonderful joyful life, what does that person have for me, or sometimes I will think about like a mentor like my Angelo someone who I.

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Reshanda Yates: often like to kind of call on.

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Reshanda Yates: And what message does she have for me and with my head on my heart, I think to myself, you know.

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Reshanda Yates: Sometimes it’s.

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Reshanda Yates: Thank you for keeping me safe i’m Okay, because I recognize oh that’s my brain doing what it does, or it might be.

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Reshanda Yates: I care about this suffering.

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Reshanda Yates: and

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Reshanda Yates: That comes a lot of times from me wanting to parent myself, you know and parent myself in a way that maybe I wasn’t parenting and just holding that space of nurture.

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Reshanda Yates: And so um, this is a process called it’s called brain R a n recognize allow investigate nurture and it is one of the most powerful ways to actually move through discomfort expand because it allows you to really get into your body and just process things that are coming up in the moment.

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Reshanda Yates: So when it comes to self love, a lot of times it’s just that simple of just.

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Reshanda Yates: Holding some space for yourself to feel what you’re feeling and not make yourself wrong for it and give yourself what you need.

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Reshanda Yates: In the moment.

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Jason Mefford: yeah so that rain process again right, I mean this would be a time again when something comes up and we were triggered a little bit or.

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Jason Mefford: yeah something doesn’t go right the way the way that we want to this is a very simple way.

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Jason Mefford: for you to kind of walk through this So the first one was recognizing right so kind of recognizing the emotion or recognizing whatever thought or feeling you’re having at the time, acknowledging right acknowledging.

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Reshanda Yates: That it’s happening now well.

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Reshanda Yates: Actually, a better word would be accept.

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Jason Mefford: or.

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Reshanda Yates: I like to say, allow.

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Reshanda Yates: So either one works accepted or allow.

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Jason Mefford: And that’s that kind of that idea of the The wave right that again.

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Jason Mefford: yeah instead of trying to fight against the wave just let it kind of wash over you and knowing that it’s going to receive.

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Jason Mefford: And then the I was what again was.

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Jason Mefford: investigate.

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Reshanda Yates: Investors is about asking.

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Reshanda Yates: You know what what story, am I telling myself what am I believe in right now.

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Jason Mefford: yep.

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Jason Mefford: And then the final thing to actually nurture yeah right because again yeah if we’re loving ourselves, then we need some nurture right, we need to.

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Jason Mefford: If nobody’s around give yourself a hug right.

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Reshanda Yates: Exactly.

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Jason Mefford: I mean, it seems, it seems funny okay right but literally.

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Jason Mefford: If you need a hug and there’s nobody around if you hug yourself chemicals get released in your body, and so it actually even hugging yourself.

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Jason Mefford: helps right but yeah we need we need some of that that nurturing as well to realize so next time I have one of those examples where I want to say naughty bad bad little boy Jason.

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Jason Mefford: I can go through and use this rain process to be able to help get me out of it and it doesn’t take very much time either right, I mean this is.

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Jason Mefford: not talking just a few a few minutes.

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Reshanda Yates: I mean Now I do it in 30 seconds and it’s so automatic for me now so that’s, the key is to really habitual eyes it.

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Reshanda Yates: um you know you can start with a very small part of it, you can just start with like the recognized part just start to recognize when you are triggered.

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Reshanda Yates: start to recognize when you feel uncomfortable for some reason, and then you can start building on it, but what i’m what i’ve seen from research is that if you do it many times during the day, but for small moments that actually builds the habit um faster.

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Reshanda Yates: yeah so you can take just a few you know 30 seconds to a minute.

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Jason Mefford: Great great practical thing you know, for us to kind of end with you know as well, but you know, again I know i’m a perfectionist you’re a perfectionist we’re recovering perfectionist.

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Jason Mefford: right because we’re on the way, but so many people.

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Jason Mefford: You know, deal with this struggle with it probably beat ourselves up when we don’t need to write and that whole second arrow.

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Jason Mefford: concept right that that usually were harder on ourselves than whatever it was that we happen to to go through, but.

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Jason Mefford: Instead of trying to control let’s just release in and realize, you know focus on loving yourself on being happy.

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Jason Mefford: And a lot of the other things you know, end up taking care of themselves because a lot of these addictive behaviors self sabotaging behaviors whatever you want to call them.

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Jason Mefford: are usually because we’re we’re not in that state and you got to be happy now because losing the pounds getting the new job having more money isn’t going to make you happy or make you love yourself, you got to do that now and then the other stuff happens.

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Yes.

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Jason Mefford: This is good, well, thank you for shonda if people want to reach out to you how’s the best way to reach out to your get Ahold of you then as well.

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Reshanda Yates: or so there’s a couple ways i’m the best way is through to my website, which are def con.

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Reshanda Yates: and

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Reshanda Yates: Then i’m active on social media so i’m on instagram at retaliates i’m on Facebook at rush on da.

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Reshanda Yates: So those are the best ways.

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Jason Mefford: Perfect perfect perfect perfect, but thank you, my friend it’s.

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Jason Mefford: Good stuff, and again I mean it’s You know, as you said before and i’ll say it too we’re on the path, just like everybody else is right we’re just here to help share provide hope to people in realize that you know life can be whatever you want it to be.

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Jason Mefford: And we’ve given you some practical things go out use the rain.

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Jason Mefford: Rain principle as well and.

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Jason Mefford: let’s just get on with our life and live, who we are right and love ourself and focus and realize that everything really happens from the inside out.

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Jason Mefford: Any final final thoughts.

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Reshanda Yates: That was the perfect summary.

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Reshanda Yates: Thank you so much for allowing me to be here and share.

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Jason Mefford: Well, thank you.

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