Fire & Earth Podcast E62: The Same Old Song and Dance, My Friend

Do you ever feel like you keep repeating the same things over, and over, and over again? You know repeating the same things over, and over, and over again?

In this episode we discuss how many of us find ourself in habits that are no longer serving us, how to recognize this, and some ways to break those old bad habits down at the identity level, so we stop making the same mistakes over, and over again. We also discuss what to do when we see others doing this, and how we can help.

The Fire and Earth Podcast gives you practical advice and keys to unlocking your potential in life and business, hosted by Dr. Kathy Gruver and Jason Mefford. Real, raw and unscripted.

#fireandearthpodcast

Transcript

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Jason Mefford: Welcome to another episode of the fire and earth podcasts. I’m a co host Jason Medford

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Kathy Gruver: And I am Kathy gruver and Hey Jason, you know, I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed that that you repeat the same pattern over and over and over again. I don’t know if you’ve noticed that there

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Kathy Gruver: Pete, the same pattern over and over and over again.

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Jason Mefford: Like video repeated over and over again.

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Kathy Gruver: Yeah.

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Jason Mefford: Like, like you’re repeating yourself right

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Jason Mefford: Now, again and again and again.

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Yep.

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Jason Mefford: Yeah.

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Jason Mefford: Actually, I have

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Jason Mefford: I was going to make some smartass comment but I’ll just be honest. Yeah.

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Jason Mefford: Yeah, yeah, I found myself repeating over and over and over again. Yeah.

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Kathy Gruver: I think we all have. And the question is, how do we break out of that. Why are we doing that, what are we really want

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Kathy Gruver: I had an experience with a client recently who every time she comes to my office just once a month.

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Kathy Gruver: But every time she comes to my office, it’s the same story. It’s the same dialogue. It’s the same frustration with the same guy. It’s the same. And she keeps bringing herself into that situation over and over again.

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Kathy Gruver: And I finally asked her what what are you getting out of this, like, what do you need, what do you want from repeating this pattern over and over again.

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Kathy Gruver: And I didn’t think she was a very deep thinker, so I didn’t expect an answer. And as she was walking out the door. She said, I just want to tell them

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Kathy Gruver: That an evening me getting negative attention from this guy is attention. And that’s what I get from this I was like wow so

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Jason Mefford: I never break through.

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Kathy Gruver: That but she’s still there and she’s still there. You know, so

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Kathy Gruver: She clearly doesn’t want to break out of that pattern and I can’t make her and I can just encourage like and guide and I can do but it’s up to her to break that pattern. So I think we’ve all had experiences where

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Kathy Gruver: We’re stuck in these things. We keep repeating over and over again. We might not even be noticing that we’re doing it, but it’s happening.

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Jason Mefford: Well, I think it’s interesting because it

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Jason Mefford: You know, it brings up some of the stuff that we talked about before, and that we’re going to keep talking about right.

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Jason Mefford: repeating it again repeating it again and again, because that’s how we learn is through repetition. For one thing,

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Jason Mefford: Right. But you know, I think it’s interesting, you know, kind of, to your question to begin with. Why do we repeat things over and over again.

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Jason Mefford: Because we’ve created habits and when you create habits, then you get in the habit of doing the same things over and over again.

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Jason Mefford: And there’s good habits. Right. I mean, the way you put on your shoes and tie your shoes. My goodness. If we had to think very hard about that every day.

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Jason Mefford: That would be pretty crazy. So we’ve established a habit of how we tie our shoes. Nothing wrong with that habit.

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Jason Mefford: But, you know, sometimes those habits can be things that are hurting us right like it, like you said, with it with this lady. So why do we do things over and over again because we’ve created a habit. Yeah.

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Kathy Gruver: And it’s fulfilling some sort of need, you know, the way we put our shoes. The way we put on our shirt. It’s hilarious. A friend of mine sent me a funny meme of some celebrity pulling your shirt off.

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Kathy Gruver: And then doing some freaky dance that had to do with what we’re talking about. And then my friend ads and who are these freaks to have to cross their arms to take their shirt off and I went

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Kathy Gruver: How do you take your shirt off because that’s what I do. I cross my arms and

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Jason Mefford: On now I’m sitting here going,

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Kathy Gruver: Which way. Which way do I do. Well, I do it both ways. Sometimes I’ll grab the neck and pull

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Jason Mefford: It over and so

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Kathy Gruver: That

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Jason Mefford: Yeah, that’s because it keeps it inside out. It keeps it the right side out.

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Kathy Gruver: Right.

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Jason Mefford: If you do the other way, you’re inside out. Right.

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Kathy Gruver: But also, can you just grab the sides and pull. No, it doesn’t go anywhere.

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Kathy Gruver: Cuz I’m thinking, how else would you, they did a study about which way people face in the shower, do you face the with the water on the back of your do you put your face on it. And they said, I know you

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Kathy Gruver: You think the other half are freaks, but it’s about like 5050 of people where they put their face in the shower. We have these things that we think are perfectly normal for us perfectly acceptable for us. And then you really somebody else does it differently. And you’re like,

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Kathy Gruver: Wait, what, how would you do that. It’s a habit. Those are not hurting us whether you put your face to or from the water. However, you take your shirt off is not hurting you, those habits of those repetitive thought patterns that are keeping us stuck. Those repetitive.

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Kathy Gruver: thought patterns that are keeping us in relationships and not good for us that are dangerous for us.

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Kathy Gruver: She’s getting verbally abused and she’s not going anywhere because she likes the attention from this guy she’s getting something from him.

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Kathy Gruver: That is keeping her stuck there or the ego state that wants to leave is not executive at the right time. That’s the other thing.

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Kathy Gruver: You know, there’s all this mix of things and and I went through that you know with with my divorce. It was the ego state that really wanted to go was executive when I wasn’t around him.

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Kathy Gruver: And then when I finally got back around him than that, loving, caring, the one that wanted to stay became executive again. So there’s that inner conflict.

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Kathy Gruver: And I think we often have that inner conflict. So it’s those those habits and why we do that same thing over and over again. And there’s multiple explanations for it.

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Jason Mefford: Well in because one of the reasons is, you know, like, I mean, we’ll just keep taking that example, a little bit. Right. I mean, so

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Jason Mefford: So why she repeating it because she’s established a habit. Why does she establish a habit because there’s some need

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Jason Mefford: That that habit is filling. Now she she recognized, like you said as she walked out the door. Well, I need attention.

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Jason Mefford: Well, and so and so, needing attention is not necessarily a bad thing, but at a, at a deeper level. And this is where, like you said, you know, with the ego states when we kind of get into that.

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Jason Mefford: Aspect or to what some people call our identity at our identity level. She has built a story and has believes that as a woman, she will only get attention.

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Jason Mefford: From a certain kind of man who is verbally abusing her could be physically. I mean, we don’t know everything right but but you see that a law where

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Jason Mefford: especially women, but it happens to men to they get into an abusive relationship and they get out of it and they go and they get back into a similar abusive pattern just with a different person. Because so much of the time we think it’s the other person when the whole time. It’s us

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Kathy Gruver: What is the common denominator by those

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Kathy Gruver: Costs, it’s

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Jason Mefford: Us, it’s

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Jason Mefford: Us and it’s not necessarily that you’re you’re doing anything to deserve it. But at the at that identity level. That’s what you’ve programmed yourself to

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Jason Mefford: Believe or or

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Jason Mefford: Or the only way you believe you can receive that. And so until you actually work on that identity level and say, You know what, honey. There’s a lot of men out there that will give you attention.

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Jason Mefford: In the right way without verbally or physically abusing you you can be loved by someone who loves you in the right way and does give you that attention. Yeah.

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Kathy Gruver: And it’s like a little kid, and there was always that kid in school that acted out whether he was the class clown or whether he was the troublemaker, or whether he was looking for attention.

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Kathy Gruver: And that was his tool for getting it. That was the ego state that came out what he needed attention.

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Kathy Gruver: So yeah, we tap into that thing and everything we do fills a need. Somehow, it might not be a need. We like me. There are a lot of young girls who think if they are not having sex with a guy. They’re not worth anything they think they are only

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Kathy Gruver: The only way they will get love or what their version of love is is through their bodies. They don’t understand that somebody could respect them emotionally, spiritually, and then the physicality is something you add on top of that as sort of the bonus price of that, you know,

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Kathy Gruver: So I guess the question is then how do we recognize that we’re doing this because when we’re in it, we can’t, you know, we don’t see the shorts on our own face because we’re looking at ourselves so

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Kathy Gruver: Do we go to a friend. We go to counseling, do we ask people around us. You know, when you feel stuck or you feel you’re repeating things do you seek out help from other people, or do you sit down and just sort of go inside.

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Jason Mefford: Well, I think it’s

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Jason Mefford: For me personally, I probably try to go inside. First, because that’s, that’s my

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Jason Mefford: Personality. But here’s the reality is, I haven’t made much progress. That way you make a lot more progress by at least getting a perspective from someone on the outside.

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Jason Mefford: And so, you know, again, if you go back and think about, we can use a metaphor of an athlete.

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Jason Mefford: You know, whether you’re you’re playing golf and you can’t figure out why am I slice in it you know this way. What am I doing well, you can’t stand there and look at your body

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Jason Mefford: And see the physical movements that you are doing while you’re actually doing that act. And so that’s why you have a coach or a teacher or somebody who’s standing there looking at you and saying,

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Jason Mefford: Oh, you’re, you know, you’re moving your hips too quick. Or you’re, you’re not, you know, standing square. And again, it can be whatever it is shooting basketballs doing whatever

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Jason Mefford: That outside observer can you know with with questions and with with kind of explaining what’s happening, that is usually a much quicker way to figuring out what you can do different than just trying to work on it by yourself. Yeah.

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Kathy Gruver: And that’s, that’s such a great point because sometimes we don’t know what our bodies are doing. This is why I love dance because you look at the choreographer, you look in the mirror, you can see if you’re doing it right. There’s that immediate feedback loop of

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Kathy Gruver: Doesn’t look the same as what you just did. This is my challenge with the trapeze because you go do something and you think, Oh yeah, of course, my body’s at

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Kathy Gruver: You know 11 o’clock, and then you watch the video and it’s like here. You’re like, oh, that’s not even close. You don’t realize until you take that step back outside of yourself and look and I think it’s harder with

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Kathy Gruver: Emotions with those types of patterns because when we’re not trained to look at those things.

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Kathy Gruver: We know we don’t. There is no you know life program in school. There’s soccer and there’s tennis and there’s gymnastics, where you have a coach.

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Kathy Gruver: Who in your life is the one to ask you questions. And this is what I love about working with my clients because I will call them on their bullshit.

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Kathy Gruver: And I will ask them questions about why do you keep doing that, like, what do you actually want. What do you want, and I’ve had so many conversations with even just friends, where I asked the question, What do you want, because if we don’t know what we want.

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Kathy Gruver: Then we’re not gonna, you know, you don’t just turn on ways and go, you have to program a destination in. So what do you want. So I think seeking out someone to talk to you, whether it’s a friend.

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Kathy Gruver: Whether it’s a counselor, a coach, whatever that is, to tap into that.

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Kathy Gruver: I asked the guy. I’m Danny last night. I said, describe me and he said, What am I said so if a friend of yours says what’s Kathy like

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Kathy Gruver: What do you say, how do you describe me and he went through this list of adjectives that describe me and it was fascinating because I wanted to see his perspective of what I’m like in a relationship with him.

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Kathy Gruver: Because I think I know how I’m in a relationship with him, but I didn’t know how he actually saw me.

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Kathy Gruver: And so it was a fascinating question. It was any kind of getting pretty much came up with the answers that I would have expected, but I love asking questions like that. And that can be scary.

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Jason Mefford: Well, because it does take the courage and i think that’s that’s where you know with us. It does take courage to ask for help. And I’ve noticed that again in my life. I

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Jason Mefford: I’m a very stubborn person in some ways, and I think I’m pretty self reliant and so I would prefer to just do it by myself.

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Jason Mefford: And there’s a lot of times, honestly, where you’re in the ring. You’re the one fighting. You’re the one that has to do the work.

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Jason Mefford: But outside of the ring. That’s where we can get the help from friends from coaches from therapists from other people.

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Jason Mefford: To be able to provide that outside perspective that we usually can’t see. So you know if it’s gotten to the point or when you realize, you know what I really do need help and please ask for help. Yeah.

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Jason Mefford: Right. But on the flip side, too, because as we’re talking. I want to make sure to that, you know, if it’s you that needs the help then have the courage to ask for help if you see that someone that you know or love needs help. Unfortunately, you have to wait until they want the help

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Jason Mefford: So you have to be there and be supportive, but you know, you can’t just start throwing out this unsolicited feedback to people because that that’ll just alien nature relationship they have to be ready for the change. Yeah. And sometimes they have to hit a rock bottom.

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Jason Mefford: You know, but it but it’s like you know your client that we were talking about at the beginning there’s finally something is happening at least she had that first inkling

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Jason Mefford: Of hold it. I guess I’m doing this because I need attention she she’s not going to change until she’s ready

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Jason Mefford: To change right and ready to ask for the help. So don’t get frustrated if you’re like oh good Kathy, if you just do this. It’s like back off right until, until you want it, don’t get it.

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Kathy Gruver: And that is so hard, because I know both you and I are problem solvers. So if people around us have a problem and weekend so clearly see, like, I’ll just do what I tell you to, you know, which doesn’t work in relationships.

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Kathy Gruver: And it’s funny, I have a friend.

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Kathy Gruver: Who was just having some career issues and he wanted to talk about it. And I said, Okay. I said, What hat. Do you want me to wear right now.

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Kathy Gruver: I said, Do you want me to be

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Kathy Gruver: Just supportive friend, you’re going to be your girlfriend. At this point, generally put on my coaching hat and actually ask you questions.

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Kathy Gruver: Do you want to just fit about this stuff. Do you want to help you problem solve do to help you brainstorm. Like, what do you want for me and I had to know that.

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Kathy Gruver: Because I can so easily so easily flip into coaching hat slash problem solving hat, where I could help him fix all these issues. And he said, well, I think I kind of just want to pitch a little bit

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Kathy Gruver: And if you could ask me some questions. That would be great. But I don’t want you to solve this problem for me. Great.

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Kathy Gruver: We’ve laid the ground rules. We know what the, what the contract is going into this conversation. So I think it’s important to ask that question because I’ve had friends who they just want a bitch for half an hour.

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Kathy Gruver: Or they want help, or you know what what do you want from me at this point. And I think that’s an awesome question to ask because if you don’t know you’re going to either

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Kathy Gruver: Do it wrong, but you’re going to either hurt somebody’s feelings or step on somebody’s toes or they’re going to get frustrated and feel like they’re not heard

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Kathy Gruver: It’s also okay to ask how you should react in a certain situation.

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Kathy Gruver: Hey, so when you get frustrated and sad like this. What do you need from me, do me to comfort you don’t want to leave you alone job to hold you. Do you want to cry with me doing with Rowan a movie, Joe, and you want some crayons. Like, what do you need from me.

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Kathy Gruver: I think these are important questions to ask that we so often don’t, especially in intimate relationships. How often has our partner had their first emotional meltdown in the relationship. And you kind of go

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Jason Mefford: Oh shit, what am I supposed to do.

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Kathy Gruver: Because I know what I want

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Kathy Gruver: Yeah, but it’s not necessarily the same

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Kathy Gruver: Yeah, you know, after my ex husband’s mom passed. I said, Do you want me to come over and he said, No, I just want to sit here by myself.

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Kathy Gruver: totally valid choice. See, when my dad died. Yeah, I didn’t want to sit there by myself. I needed to be surrounded by I need someone at my house.

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Kathy Gruver: You know, so it’s like you just because that’s what you want isn’t necessarily what those people want. I think it’s important to know. I think it’s important to ask what can I do to help you through this

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Jason Mefford: Well, and the more open, we are about that because

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Jason Mefford: You know, I’m a stereotypical guy, right, I mean as far as you know when when my wife might, you know, say something. Again, I want to jump into this problem solver kind of mode.

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Jason Mefford: And again, you know, it’s like, especially, you know, in a male, female relationship usually women just want to be heard. They don’t want it to be fixed. And so, you know, again, it’s something that I’m still working with and trying to get better at

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Jason Mefford: You know, because a lot of times I want to kind of jump in and fix it or move into the coaching mode or whatever. And it’s like, Nope, that’s not I’m just supposed to sit here and go

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Jason Mefford: I understand that must be hard, you know, kind of thing and and then kind of move on so

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Jason Mefford: And I found the same thing, right, that the more open, we can be about what is it that you need from me, or that you want for me in this moment.

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Jason Mefford: Makes it easier because again, like you said, sometimes people just need to be left alone for a little while.

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Jason Mefford: And if we don’t know that, then maybe we’re thinking, well, I’m ignoring them and they’re probably hating on me for doing that. But that may be exactly what they want you to do, right, you know, versus being around you and hugging and you know whatever the situation is

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Kathy Gruver: And I think it’s also important to honor what that person says, because the, the, the, what I wanted to do is rush over there and comfort him and be there and he didn’t need that. That was for me.

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Kathy Gruver: That was my agenda that had nothing to do with what that other person wanted. So if they say I really just want to sit in a dark room and cry. You can’t knock every five minutes. You okay, you still okay

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Kathy Gruver: You know, you have to honor what that person says, and if they’re being passive aggressive. No, no, no, I just

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Kathy Gruver: I just want to be alone and hopes that you’ll keep pursuing that’s on them. That’s not on you, you know, you have to take a person at their word unless you find out. Otherwise, so yeah. And once again, we

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Jason Mefford: blew through right it’s okay so so just a little recap, right, because we started talking about repeating the same stuff right and so again it’s if you’re repeating the same stuff, it’s probably because you’ve developed a habit. The habit was was probably is serving you in some way.

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Kathy Gruver: Healing some need

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Jason Mefford: Feeling some need. And so, you know, until you’re ready to kind of move on and do something else. But you also have to kind of think about this at a deeper level from an identity standpoint.

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Jason Mefford: And and think about, you know, if you’re going to change that you have to change some of your identity. Yeah. Before you’re ever going to get out of that loop right

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Jason Mefford: And one of the biggest ways to help you as again when you realize that you need help, ask

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Jason Mefford: Right do that where you’re actually asking and saying, Hey, Kathy I’m having a bad day. I just need to vent for the first five minutes and then, you know, can you ask me a few questions to help me figure out

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Jason Mefford: Because I need to make a decision. Right, let’s say. And so, you know, but being open and honest with people about that then having the courage to ask for help.

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Jason Mefford: That’s when you can actually start to see how to get yourself out of some of those habits that you develop that you no longer want to have

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Kathy Gruver: And I think it is a teamwork, we have to be surrounded by a team.

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Kathy Gruver: No man is an island which as a kid I never understood what that meant, but now as an adult, I get it. It’s like we can’t solve every problem ourselves as much as we think we can. This is why

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Kathy Gruver: We have counselors and coaches and clergy and friends and spouses and partners and people are people want to help us people. So ask for help if you need it. Yeah, cool. Oh, this was good. Lovely. Excellent. All right. Well, I’m Kathy group or I can be reached at Kathy Griffin calm.

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Jason Mefford: And I’m Jason Medford, I can be reached at Jason method calm, so go out. Have a great rest of your week and we’ll catch you on the next episode of the fire and earth podcast. See ya.

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